Stepford Wife Good Manners in the home and out of the home

The Stepford Wives Etiquette Page


The Stepford Wives Organization has a large collection of books, clipping, and articles on proper etiquette and manners for our ladies. We begin at Amy Vanderbilt's 1957 edition of Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living. Of course, Miss Emily Post's book comes in a close second. The reason why we chose earlier editions is due to the fact that modern etiquette guides are basically edited for the woman on the go, people who don't have the time to be ladylike the proper way. Therefore, we hearken back to an era before cell phones and I-phones were invented, before people talked through a luncheon on phones with their mouths full: The days when time was more freely available. After all, isn't that the essence of comfort and gracious living? We think so!

While we spend our free time (usually at the end of the day) putting these pieces together, please check back regularly to see what we keep in our notebooks.

How To Behave Towards Your Husband When Out and About

© 2009 Stepfordwives.org

Going out with your man is one of the luxuries of getting hitched: not only do you have the benefit of masculine protection when in public, you get the perks of masculine attention and courtesy as well. I can't count the inconvenient times when I had to put off running an errand after it gets dark.

When a woman goes out with her husband, the dynamics of behaving in public is infinitely different from when she goes it alone. Flying solo, she has to make sure she sends a clear resounding message to men that she has been spoken for: she has to walk without looking around; she has to act disinterested; in a word, she has to be on the defense. When she is with her husband, she can let down her guard, and devote her attention to him.

Here is a list of things we at the Stepford Wife Organization feel a good wife should follow when she is out and about with her husband:

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  • If he makes a decision, don't question that decision. Do NOT say "Do you think that's a wise decision?" Us girls sometimes make a mistake and say "If you think that's best," or "whatever you think is best." That's a bit patronizing. Instead, DO say, "I think that's a wise choice," or simply"You're right."

  • Apologize to your husband for the smallest thing. It takes no effort to say, "I'm sorry" with a smile!

  • Always dress your best, but dress conservatively. Never flaunt yourself, just because you have a man to protect you from leering eyes. Remember, you only dress sexy in the privacy of your home, for your man!

  • Carry yourself in a dignified, chaste, and demure way.

  • Always thank your husband when he pulls out chairs, holds doors, or assists you.

  • At restaurants, the man always orders for the both of you. Let him decide what you should have, or if he asks you what you would like, ask him then what he thinks may be a good dish. Always accept his decision and cheerily say, "I think that's a good choice, I'll have that please." And remember to squeeze his hand and thank him for a delicious dinner as you walk out the restaurant!

  • If for some unfortunate reason he gets irritated or scolds you in front of strangers, don't say "can we discuss this at home?" Accept the responsibility and meekly say "I'm sorry!" with a cringe and a smile.

  • Remember to always smile around your man. It shows that you are there to please him.

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    A Wife Is Meant To be Seen, Not Heard. (A Stepford Wife Good Manners Exercise)

    © 2010 Mrs. EdwinThomas Stepfordwives.org / stepfordwife.com

    My husband is a firm believer in the edict "Do not speak unless you are spoken to," especially for a married woman when she's around her husband. I think for me, this is primarily because Edwin usually has the intelligent things to say, and as much as it makes me pout, he's always right. He also believes in the declaration that "women are meant to be seen, not heard." I guess that's why I spend so much time looking my very best for him. It's better to look nice and be appreciated than to have all the intelligence in the world. So I just zip it until he asks for my opinion, which is seldom. I have to confess there were times when I accidentally blurted out what I was thinking. Much to Edwin's chagrin, he firmly informed me that he'll ask when he wants my perspective. After all, he always said he put a window in my kitchen to give me a point of view.

    I think this sort of fuss should be kept to a minimum. That's why Edwin and I (well, mostly Edwin) devised a fun exercise in Stepford manners to address this problem. When we are about to leave our home for the day, he would put a tablespoon of honey in my mouth. (You can use a variety of different fluids. Edwin happens to like honey on his pancakes, so we decided on that. The more personal the better. Let your imagination run wild! Whatever your husband chooses, just say "Yes!" with a smile and carry it in your mouth!) I then keep the honey in my mouth for however long Edwin decides. This way, I always remember to keep my mouth shut, and happily nod with a smile to whatever Edwin says. It keeps me focused on the first call of duty whenever a wife is in public wiht her husband - to be purely decorative. When he finally decides he wants to hear what I have to say, he'll snap his fingers and I'll swallow, allowing the ability to speak. This way, I won't have the urge or ability to talk until my husband decides he wants me to. Sometimes, Edwin doesn't snap his fingers until he has trouble falling asleep at night and needs some diversion.

    This exercise also serves a double purpose: it trains us Stepford girls to respond to our master's snapping fingers. You'd be surprise how sensitive your hearing becomes when you have to hold his choice fluids in your mouth for half a day. It's almost as if you anticipate the sound of his snapping fingers! Try it! He'll be happy you did. And that's all that matters!

     

    "The wife must fear her husband" (from John Dod and Robert Cleaver's A Plaine and Familiar Exposition of the Ten Commandements 1603)

    This is another favorite essay among many of us girls here at the organization. It dates back to 1603! Authored by English clerygman "Decalogue Dod" John Dod and Robert Cleaver. The 17th century bestseller provides some fascinating pointers for what it means to be a GREAT Stepford wife. Here are some of the highlights.

     

    • The wife must fear her husband, as is commanded in Eph. 5:33: Let the wife see that she fear her husband. 
    • She must carry an inward fear to her husband. For the husband is the wife's head, and this inward fear must be shewed by an outward meekness and lowliness in her speeches and carriage to her husband. 
    • She must be attired with a meek and quiet spirit. 
    • She must not be passionate and forward to him or any of the family, Specially in his sight, but she should have such a regard of his presence, as that she should govern her tongue and countenance so, that it may not be offensive or troublesome unto him.
    • And for her speech, neither when they be kind and loving together, must she grow into such gross terms, nor if any jar or offence come, rush into tart and sour words, to ease herself upon her husband, whom she should fear.
    • If she behaved herself rudely and unmannerly in her husband's sight, to grieve him and offend him, she failed in the first and main duty of a good wife, and so far shall surely come short of all the rest of the duties that God required of her. For if there be not fear and reverence in the inferior, there can be no sound nor constant honor yielded to the superior. 
    • The second duty of the wife is constant obedience and subjection. 
    • For in general, there is no woman almost so rude, but she will yield that she must obey her husband. 
    • She must resolve to obey him in all things. 
    • Have a greater regard to please him than to serve the desires of the flesh.
    • The wife must obey her husband in all things cheerfully and willingly, without gainsaying.
    • Yield a willing and free obedience to her husband in lawful things, and with a meek and lowly carriage of herself, proceeding from an holy fear and reverence
    • Now follow the special duties of an husband, for he hath not all these privileges for nothing, and those consist in two major points, in governing her wisely
    • A wife was to obey and submit herself to her husband in everything he commanded, even if it was against her will.
    • "She may do nothing against God's will, but many things she must do against her own will if her husband require her." (3)
    • A woman's place was very much within the home, her primary duty being to look after her husband and children, putting their needs and welfare before her own.
    • Some historians believe that the 'conduct books' are a good indication of the relationship between husbands and wives, and the nature of the family in the early modern period.
    • "Justices of the peace, and judges of the ecclesiastical court, expected women to be obedient to their husbands; to display due submission; to be chaste before and after marriage, and faithful during it."
    • Certainly it can be seen from contemporary diaries and letters that there were marriages which fitted this mould. Isaac Archer said in 1668
    • "I found my wife perfectly devoted to please me, and I blessed God for giving me one with a meek and quiet spirit, and well disposed, and apt to take in the best things. I found she was patient under her sickness, and willing to hear any instruction from me."

    (unedited excerpt can be found at Grace Online Library)

    excerpts from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

    Act as if you were born happy.

    Be ladylike and courteous to everyone.

    Never look at men BUT ALWAYS LOOK HAPPY.

    Always look your best.

    Eat healthy, exercise.

    Dress feminine, and in bright colors.

    Dress for other men, not other women.  This means men don't care about labels. 

    Be a smart shopper not a runway spender.

    Always leave the house with makeup, even if it is to go jogging.

    Don't be cynical, depressed, tell sarcastic jokes or long-winded stories of how you have been hurt, or laugh out loud knee slapping.

    Be carefree.  Always try to show contentment with him.

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    Aubrey Andelin's Man of Velvet and Steel

    As you know, among our Stepford bibles is Helen B Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood. Her husband Aubrey also wrote a book for men, after Fascinating Womanhood became a bestseller (it sold over 1.6 million copies since 1963, when it was published!). Man of Velvet and Steel (ISBN-978-0911094237 ) was written in 1972, and though it is primarily a guide for men, we thought we'd share our highlighted passages here, since it's a guide for Stepford women too, in how to behave around our men. After all, the purpose of good manners is to help our husbands make a good impression on others, demonstrating what good decision-makers they are by picking such an obedient and loving wife. Here are some of the favorites among us Stepford girls.

    "Women must return to their homes and serve their men.  They are thinking too much of what they want to do rather than what they ought to do." pg 35

     

    "(Man) has the physical, emotional, and temperamental make-up to lead.  Consider his physical structure.  Is he not superior in strength and capacity to those he leads?  Although it is not likely he will have to force a family member, yet he has the capacity to do so and can overpower them when necessary.  Her physique is a reminder or visual aid that he is the leader.

    "(Weighty decisions and its) risks are frightening to most women.  A woman is inclined to waver, and wants to postpone as long as possible.  This often produces stress, and disturbs her tranquility, which means so much in a household."   pg 47

     

    "If she is more subtle, she offers endless suggestions , gives advice and counsel, telling him what to do and when to do it.  In either case she is out of place.  The man who allows his wife to hold the reins is also to blame and has failed in his leadership.  He must, if he is a man, overpower her and regain his position as head of the household." pg 51

     

    "A woman is in a very subordinate position to her husband.  The man leads, the woman follows.  He holds the right of decision, the final say in everything.  She is dependent on him for all she has, for every freedom, every consideration, for everything she does and every place she goes.

    He holds the reins in the family.

    And yet she shares equally the responsibility of the family.  She shares the same sacred responsibility for its success, is a partner in its problems and burdens.  She has a desire to put his happiness and that of her family's before her own.  Yet to accomplish her goals, she is dependent upon him - upon his decisions, his wisdom and judgment.  She is at his mercy for justice, fair play, and understanding of her needs and desires.  Hers is a case of responsibility without final authority.  She does not have control over her life.... She is at the mercy of her husband.  She is dependent on his understanding, his unselfishness, and consideration.  She is dependent on his cooperation in reaching her objectives.  He holds power over her, over everything she holds near and dear.  Every desire of her heart is tied to him and his rule over her.

    When a woman marries, she puts her faith and trust in her husband.  She gives up her freedom and moves into his camp."  pg 74-75

     

    "A woman is not always honest in her dealings with her husband.  She can't be.  This is because of her subordinated position. Often she must say no when she means yes.  She may concoct reasons for her action, untrue justification for her desires.  A man, she may reason, will never understand.  She has no power to meet her needs. A wise leader can change all this nonsense.  If he will understand her subordinate position, he can end his problems and hers. 

    He certainly does not have to give in against his judgment, but he can be fair with her.  When a man makes a mistake he changes things.  Not so with a woman.

    She must go through official channels.  She is depends on her husband for changes." pg 76

     

    "Women and children should not be permitted to go places alone at night or to enter questionable environments or be escorted by persons not entirely trustworthy.  Girls should not be permitted to hitchhike. Women sometimes willfully go their way unprotected.  They are likely in pursuit of the routine duties of life and do not know the risks they are taking.  Others deliberately discourage the protection of a man.

    Many, however, appreciate male concern and smile with gratitude when they receive it. " pg 79-80

     

    "A woman functioning in her natural sphere, surrounded by her feminine tasks, moving in her domestic world with her natural adaptability to her sphere is a delight to see.  Here is heaven’s creature, born to be vastly different from man.  She has a charm, probably unknown to herself.  But this charm is lost, and what a lost it is, as she moves in (to) the man’s world." pg. 84

     

    "Women and children need protection from certain difficulties.  These include problems which require masculine fortitude, problems which otherwise would produce worry and strain beyond their capacity.  They need to be protected, from situations with troublesome people where they may be insulted, imposed upon, pressured, taken unfair advantage of or misused in any way.  Women, especially, are inclined to be subjected to such misuse unless protected by a man."   pg. 90

     

    "Often a woman will offer to work to ease her husband’s load.  He may be under such financial difficulties that she fears for his health.  She may prefer not to work but us willing as a sacrifice to ease his burdens.  This is very noble and unselfish, but unless it is absolutely necessary, her husband should decline her offer by saying, No, I will not allow you to work.  Women love such firm refusal. There is nothing a domestic, feminine woman delights in more than not being allowed to work." pg. 100

     

    "The opposite of aggressiveness is lack of initiative in getting what you need or want.  This quality is frequently found in the feminine woman who would rather go without than push too strongly for what she needs or deserves."  pg. 142

     

    "Feminine women are inclined to lack decisiveness.  When they make a decision, it is never quite final.  They often think they have decided for sure, but then change their minds.  If an excuse can be found they will postpone a decision, sometimes indefinitely.  In women this quality is part of their natures and may be attractive."   pg. 143

     

    "(Firmness) is important for women also, especially in their dealings with their children as they hold to ideals and principles.  But truly feminine women are not so firm when it comes to activities away from home that do not involve moral issues."  pg. 144

     

    "Women have a special dependence upon men for their support.  This is not degrading to them, but is attractive in a feminine woman."  pg. 145

     

    "As a woman observes masculine qualities, admiration is awakened….A woman can be quite unfeeling in the presence of ordinary men.  But when a strongly masculine man comes into her life, she suddenly feels like a woman….

    "Women in the working world are often subjected to this danger.  In her working environment, she may find herself associating closely with a man who is strongly masculine.  Without realizing it, she finds herself attracted to him for now she feels feminine.  This is not a feeling she seeks, but may be one hard to disregard.  She needs to be home where she can achieve the maximum femininity, hopefully in the presence of a masculine husband."  pg 152

     

    "Remember, it is the man who awakens a woman’s feminine charm.  He is the one who makes her blossom and bloom, by the way he conducts himself and the way he treats her….Be a man.  Protect her, provide for her and lead her with firmness."  pg 225

     

     

     

     

     

     
       

    This site was last updated on February 26, 2010 8:45pm AM.

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